...

it grieves my heart that i wasnt able to make it in the cpa licensure exams. i must admit i wasnt ready to take the exams yet because the fact remains that 60% of the time i was supposed to be reviewing are spent having fun with my bestfriends. regrets? none. its wierd that i feel not even a single hinch of regret regarding the fact that i was not able to focus with my review. maybe because i tend to see things in a different perspective now. and also, days before the final exams were held, i really did pray that whatever the results may be, that God with all his grace find it in my heart to accept his plan with joy. on the other hand, i really am confused at the moment. i actually wasnt able to plan regarding my next step if ever i wont make it. right now, my mind keeps wandering about what to do next. because of this, i make decisions on impulse. im not really thinking straight right now, and my mind keeps shouting questions- questions i dare not ask my Lord. my mind is really going to burst regarding the things going on in my mind. things, which i do not know i should be thinking of. will something good happen to me? why did i fail? am i under the judgement of God? is this really part of his plan or am i being punished? why didnt he allowed to make it? why? is my faith not enough? are my cries not enough? dont i deserve it? i dont know. these questions would forever remain unanswered not until God unfolds his plan for me. i dont know if i have the faith to trust him. i dont know if i have the faith to go on with my life. but im trying. its a blessing that i have good and understanding parents who encouraged me despite the failure. i just hate the feeling when i think about their reaction if ever i did passed. i feel i never made them proud. and i feel that they loved me too much and i never gave them the honor of having me as their daughter. it hurts. and it sucks thinking about these things. i even feel jealous towards my friends who made it. their parents must have been so proud. i guess i just have to accept the fact that all things wont always be the way i want them to be. all i have to do is trust in the Lord for in him is my victory. i may not have emerged victorious this time but i know that the Lord has something better in store for me. and the fact still remains that i have my friends to back me up anytime.. :p

draft ii

its like the clouds released all its raindrops that day. the rain poured. the sky cried.
you left that day without even saying your goodbyes, that even the sky felt the emptiness in my heart

draft i

i always dream of writing the perfect poem, the perfect prose or maybe the perfect story depicting life's happiness, sorrow, celebrations or even tragedies. but i realized that words will never be enough to describe the joy.. the pain .. the excitement. words limit, emotions dont.

the human heart is indeed an amazing pool of feelings. overflowing. never ending. it knows what to feel at the perfect time and at the perfect situation. it does not hold back. it flows continuously without hesitations.

there are a lot of magical moments captured by these unexplainable emotions we feel. moments worth every beat.. ever blood rush.. every tingling sensation.. every weak-in-the-knee moment.. everything.

im quite disappointed that i am not the type of person who shows my real emotions. all my real feelings are kept hidden -- my excitements, my anxieties, my anger, my doubts, my fears, my joy, my hopes, and even my dreams. it scares me. a lot actually. it scares me to tell people how sad or happy i am. it scares me to admit that i am not strong enough to face another day. it scares me to shout how lonely or sad i am actually feeling. i dont exactly know why but maybe its simply because people only hears my fears, my hopes, my anxieties, my share of happiness. people only hear. people never listened. they never reached out. they never stopped and thought. they never digested the emotions kept within a pool of words. they never understood the pain behind the tears. they never cared about the smile behind the laugh. they never cared about the emotions ready to burst like a balloon behind the frowns and the silence. they never really cared about the love behind the take-cares, the i-miss-yous and the i-love-yous.

and maybe because of all these, i tend to hide. i tend to fear. i tend to keep everything within -- which is unfair.

doing what the world does, does not make it right. being one with the crowd does not make you in the right path. maybe it just takes one single step for the situation to change. one step that will make a difference. one soul willing not only to hear but to listen. a soul willing not only to listen but also to understand. and willing not only to understand but to act.

and maybe, just maybe, lesser tears would fall.. lesser souls would cry out in the middle of the night. and people, just like me, wouldn't need to fear.

...

at wala akong magawa sa aking booooring life.. hahahaha! kumusta naman ang pinakamamahal na yearbook? where art thou?! haha! lost in space na po ang lf2007.. sana lang ay nasa akin lahat ng pera ng subscribers para makapag-asian tour na.. haha! gosh! wala talaga akong kwenta.. just failed the recent cpa board exam.. haha! soooo tanga kasi.. haha! oh well.. kelangan ng magmove on.. pero siyempre kapag mag-isa ko nalang nagmumuni muni at pinagninilaynilayan ang mga pangyayari sa aking buhay, ay hindi ko pa rin maiwasang maisip ang bagay na yun at maiyak na lang.. wahahaha! tatanga tanga kasi.. haha! honestly, i lost my confidence regarding accomplishing things.. oh well!

haler!!

so kamusta naman ang napabayaang blog? wahehe! haaay.. eto na nga ata ang kurning online diary slash writer's notebook.. hehe! para kunyari techie person kahit di naman.. haha! at after i leave baguio, mukhang mapapabayaan nanaman.. hehe! oh well! at least i can brag that once in my life, i maintained my own blog.. hehe!

la lang

gosh.. been in manila for 3months now.. haaay.. talaga pa lang mas maapreciate mo ang baguio pag wala ka na dun.. anyway.. i think i need to let go of a lot of things -- my doubts.. and especially my fears.. guess there's so many things that could make me more happy yet i took them for granted for no apparent reason.. maybe i should learn to get hold of myself and my emotions more so that it won't overcome all my dreams.. :)

life life.. haaay... living is now a lot harder than simply surviving..

blah blah blah.. people say a lot of things.. but it still boils down to what you really feel deep inside.. like a balloon bursting.. and admitting that you don't have the strength to face each day is a lot harder than actually losing your life..

but looking at the brighter side of life would always help.. feeling sad and inflicting yourself with sadness are two different things..

maybe.. just maybe.. living wouldn't feel as hard if people just learn to trust the Lord and stop feeling sorry for themselves..

happYness

now.. now.. where did they hid that coffee? hehe! finding true friends are the greatest things in the world.. a lot better than finding your coffee beans.. :]

and when you do find them, keep them. never let them go. hold on despite and inspite of everything. give them your trust. give them all your love. forgive them. care for them.

and never ever forget to thank the Lord for them.

such simple blessing that means more than anything in this world, and would definitely make me trade my coffee cup for..

...

i feel sad today.. i don't know why.. just came home feeling down.. haaaay... circumstances come.. things beyond my control.. things that i never thought would pop up.. certain truths that i never imagined would happen.. and sometimes i think i should learn to accept truths.. even though these truths hurt a lot.. even though these truths scar my already wounded heart.. and even though these truths leave me crying all night...

heartbreaking.. devastating..

and i can't do anything about it.. i can't fight.. i can't whine.. i can't complain..

its actually very simple.. but it bothers me a lot.. maybe because i had a choice and i did not choose that option.. and maybe that's why i'm sad..

could anyone help me? i hope so.. but would anyone come?

breathe.. then think..

is it wrong to hold on to someone who's so eager to let go?
is it wrong to let go of someone who's so eager to hold on?
who should be blamed?
the one letting go?
or the one holding on?
confusing? yup..
and frustrating at the same time..